Skip to main content

Raising Gremlins, er, Triplets

I originally posted this in November 2012.  Since that time it has grown into one of my personal favorites as well as one of my most popular posts, so in honor of the season, I'll post an edited version:

I recently relived part of my childhood by watching Gremlins.  The movie ticks through the rules of owning a Mogwai.  Of course the characters pay no heed.  The movie moves through each consequence.  Meanwhile, it dawned on me:  triplets are a lot like having a Mogwai.  

One moment you are celebrating a happy, warm, loving Christmas season.  Just you, your family, and the dog.  You receive an awesome gift.  In real life it’s a pregnancy after 3 years of trying.  In the less dramatic, movie version, it’s a Mogwai.  So far, so good.

Pretty shortly thereafter everything comes apart.  Months of worrying about a triplet pregnancy.  Then months of bed rest and hospitalization.  Then the real invasion begins.

What where those rules, again?

Oh, right.  No sunlight.  No water.  No feeding after midnight.

Sunlight.
What kind of unnatural creature can’t survive something so fundamental as sunlight?  You know who?  Infants and toddlers.  That is who.  Overnight everything you own becomes a laser-sharpened Chinese star of death.  That soft pillow?  Now a star of death.  Seemingly innocent lamp.  Star of death.  When they aren’t crawling themselves off the ends of beds they go sticking fingers into electric sockets.  At least the Mogwai feared bright light.  Dangerous things attract infants and toddlers.  Have a gate just a bit wobbly?  They’ll push it.  Leave something on the edge of, well, literally anything?  They pull it down on themselves.

Water.
Kids and water.  Sigh.  The dog bowl.  “Hey, let’s dip our hands in this and taste it!  The toilet.  “Let us climb in this mini-bath tub!”  It’s just so … awesome.  For them.  Note to kids: the earth is like 75% water.  Not that cool.  In the movie almost no interaction with water ends well.  Same with triplets.  It poses a constant threat.  The mere presence of water produces an immediate need for close scrutiny and undivided attention.  The consequences aren’t good.  Water causes Mogwai to off-spring a litter of pups.  The pups soon rampage through a town.  Triplet parents start with a litter of rampaging offspring.  A triplet parents’ life during the first couple months consists of three rooms.  Nursery.  Bathroom.  Bedroom.  A triplet parents’ life shrinks so much those three rooms make up essentially an entire town.  Plus wherever the parents buy supplies.  Gremlins also leave the house for supplies.  Mostly explosives.  Infants sometimes use explosives.  Diarrhea.

Feeding.
You have to be very careful with Mogwai.  You don’t feed Mogwai after midnight.  Triplet parents: You won’t have to worry about this one.  Triplets require pretty constant feeding.  Almost exclusively after midnight.  Three hours between each feeding.  Feedings take 1.5 hours.  Do the math.  On second thought, don’t.  It will just depress you.  Mogwai look for food after midnight.  Especially the offspring.  But if fed after midnight Mogwai become demonic little creatures.  Gremlins.  Something similar occurs in infants.  Infants will want fed after midnight.  Probably right at 11 p.m..  Then again at 2 A.M.  Once more at 5 A.M.  After that it just doesn’t matter anymore.  But left unfed, because, you know, its three-freakin A.M., infants also become demonic little creatures.  Like the off-spring Mogwai, human offspring also try chewing through electrical cords.  Though to what avail I will never know.  They cry every time they need food.  You respond with food.  Not a lot of trickier required.

The off-springing Mogwai become Gremlins.  One escapes from a cage.  Human offspring also do this.  But they add a level of difficulty.  They escape over a 4-foot high rail.  Some people know it as a crib.

The original Mogwai owner soon returns and reclaims it.  The rightful owner gives a harsh warning.  The family is not prepared for having Mogwai. 

Or triplets.  But how can you prepare for something you’ve never, ever encountered?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Meditations

A couple months ago I posted about a push up challenge, and at the risk of pushing this blog into a self-help section, I'm going to post something else that I really enjoy that I think might help a reader or two (all two of you!).

Lifehacker.com currently runs what it calls "Mid-Week Meditations," which is a short story on some piece of ancient wisdom.  Oooohhhhhhh, its ancient.  Just so you know, I'm not one to fall for the whole "ancient" is best meme.

But this is legit good stuff.  They take a quote or concept from a philosopher in the past - think Marcus Aurelius - translate what the sometimes mumbo jumboish phrase means, and then kind of detail how you can apply it.

This week, its all about how to train your mind for constructive thinking.

One thing I love about the series is that it doesn't dress up the knowledge too much.  It doesn't make it out to be more than it is, or suggest that its great simply because some Greek guy said it 2,000 years …

Why I Gave Up My Opposition To Pink

When I first joined the world of Dad blogging I couldn't help but notice that lots and lots of Dads who blogged hated the way they had to dress their daughters.  There were plenty of articles in the mainstream press on the same issue.  Mommy blogs jumped in as well.

Were we limiting our daughters, or worse yet, damaging them, by dressing them in pink?

I was certain that society limits girls, telling them both subtly and not-so subtly that they can't do certain things.  And sure, an adult is free to do whatever an adult wants, but once those signals are broadcast its hard to overcome, especially when those signals are received early and often.

Now, my daughter wasn't going to run into quite the same situation, because she has to brothers the exact same age so they pretty much all play with the same stuff.  The boys play with Minnie and she plays with trains.  Though, somehow, she shows more interest in Minnie and baby dolls and they have more interest in trains.  Maybe I…

Is Mocking Redheads Bullying? If Not, What Is?

Its Super Bowl time, and since my team didn't make it, I haven't been paying very close attention.  But I got to talking with Aaron Gouveia on Twitter after I noticed one of his tweets about how a redhead would never QB a team to said Super Bowl.  Essentially, Aaron was mocking redheads.  My team doesn't have a redheaded QB, so we are safe (for now!), but I mentioned to him that this might fall under the term of bullying.  Aaron, in case you don't know, is rightfully well known in the Daddy-bloggersphere for his excellent Daddy Files blog.  Seriously, go read it now, and follow @DaddyFiles on Twitter.  And before I really get going on this rant, let me say: I get it.  Even as great as Gouveia is, he probably can't hold candle to the prestige, money and social status of a Pro-Bowl NFL player like Andy Dalton.  Andy Dalton could never do another thing in the NFL and probably still have more name recognition, money and power than Gouveia ever will.  This isn't exa…